Unfamiliar Grief

Yesterday, we buried my Uncle Mel, it was Fathers Day and the day following what would have been my Dad’s 92nd birthday. Uncle Mel, Mel or Melvin, depending whose addressing him was 96, almost 97 years old and he lived a very colorful life, as my cousin Randy one of his daughters said. I keep reminding myself that 96 is really a gift in that he basically enjoyed good health and much success, still losing my Uncle marks the end of a generation, the generation of people in my life who were my guardians….my parents and their siblings, five Aunts and four Uncles. As we gathered surrounding his grave site eulogizing him, it occurred to me how may times we as a family have stood together to say good bye. My Uncles funeral would be the last for his generation, and for my cousins, siblings and me there will be no more goodbyes for our parents, from this day forth our goodbyes will be for each other and our families.

My Uncle Mel was my father’s Brother In Law, married to his only sister Anne. My Dad Louis was the youngest of four children, then Anne, brother Abe and oldest Matthew. At the turn of the Century, both my grandparents immigrated to the United States from different towns in Greece, My Grandmother Sarah was from Crete, my Grandfather Benny a land locked town in Northern Greece called Janina. My grandparent were among a significant population of Ramaniote Jews who came to the US from Greece in the the early 1900’s. Our family came from small towns in Greece that were either landlocked or Islands, where populations of large extended families were the norm. In these Greek towns you married your neighbor, and neighbors married neighbors and before you knew it everyone in town was a cousin, a relation in some way. The Rominiotes were a pretty insulated group of immigrants who stuck together, took care of there own and settled in many different areas of New York. I can not even tell you how many cousins my Dad had and knew growing up. If you were Jewish and had a Greek surname you were related and you were Romaniote. My name Naphtali ties to those who have surnames like: Nathan, Matza, Mazza , Confino, Negron, Nachmias just to name a few. Our surnames sound Italian because Romianote Jews originally populated the territory of the Eastern Roman Empire. We, Romaniote Jews are distinct from Sephardic Jews and Ashkenazi Jews as we have our own customs, prayer language called Yevanic that is neither Hebrew or Ladino and unique religious traditions. The term Greek Jew refers to the Romaniotes who are one of the oldest Jewish communities in existence and the oldest Jewish Community in Europe….simply stated, we are the minority in the minority in the minority. So how does this lesson in my family lineage tie to my Uncle Mel…. well here is how I see it.

My Dad and his siblings were very close and they made a concerted effort to raise us knowing our first cousins, not casually, to really know them. I was a bridesmaid in my Cousin Sharyn’s wedding, Randy and I have always been connected, and Barry used to do stand up comedy, in fact he performed at my College upstate NY and I always felt as if I was related to a celebrity…Barry has that kind of presence. I really can’t lie so I will admit that it still amazes me how close my relationships with my cousins are and have always been. We were eleven first cousins and we celebrated Thanksgiving at my Aunt Anne’s every year, and we usually were there for a Sader during Passover. There were many other occasions that we would get together at my Aunt’s house to celebrate some family landmark, accomplishment or have a reunion. As a child I felt blessed to be part of this tribe and was always excited and eager to see my cousins and be with my family. My Dad’s lineage is very rare and has traditions and customs that are quite different than other Jewish populations. Truth be told, this group, tribe whatever you want to call us was not my Uncle Mel’s Circus, his upbringing was very different, still at every occasion my Uncle was Master of Ceremonies Extraordinaire as he provided the place and time for us to grow and cultivate our relationships. My Uncle fostered our closeness, he hosted us, in fact he added a ballroom to his house to fit us all. My Uncle fed many people at his table, and he made me always feel welcome and special. If he knew you liked something specific to eat or drink he would be sure to have it available for you the next time you visited. You might think that as a kid I would have been afraid of him because although he was quiet and observant of all things going on around him, he was no Wallflower and commanded a room with his stealth presence….evoking feelings of protection should anything go South for whatever reason. I can not recall a time when he disciplined me, raised his voice to me or even an eyebrow, my Uncle was never anything but warm, kind, welcoming, loving and generous, and I believe in my heart that he truly enjoyed watching us grow up. I have been thinking about the joy I feel seeing my own nieces and nephews grow and thrive, marry, become parents…in fact I am blessed to have two Grand Nephews and isn’t that what it’s all about…....family that is.

My Uncle suffered unspeakable grief when his oldest daughter , my cousin Heidi died after struggling with Cancer in 2009. It is unnatural to bury a child and I bore witness to the grief he wore since her passing, we all could see it and feel it. I hurt for him, Heidi, his first born….it broke him in many places, mostly in his heart. I have been trying to envision his reunion with Heidi, my Aunt, his parents, my parents and the rest of my regal family on the other side. Mel was a successful developer and although he was all about family, his business had a life of its own. My cousin Barry, a brilliant Comedic mind…who worked tirelessly for many years with his father to insure that his Business Legacy. This is all to let you know that my Uncle’s generosity expanded far beyond my family, as he employed many people over many years.

When my Mom died ten years after my father, the realization that I no longer had parents changed how I felt in the world, a vulnerability and a knowing about mortality that became ever present in my thoughts. Although my parents were gone, I still had two Aunts living and my Uncle Mel, elders so to speak, family that cared about my well being, people in the world who have known me my whole life, who remembered me as a child, adolescent, bride, professional, mother. During the Pandemic we lost my Aunt Anne, and shortly thereafter I lost my mobility, very difficult life changing losses to be sure. Having seen me struggle with my mobility and with concern about the progression of my Multiple Sclerosis, my Uncle took it upon himself to have a chair lift installed in my home so I could access my basement, and then he purchased a fancy electric wheelchair chair for me that was delivered to me the day I lost my legs…literally that very day… hand to God! Had it not been for that chair, I would have been devastated, floundering like a fish out of water…. no pun intended. The wheelchair was the support I needed and it helped me to preserve a semblance of independence and made it possible for me to remain engaged in daily activities of living…the chair became my legs and although I could not walk, I could roll. I am grateful to have had my Uncle all this time, still saying goodbye to my Him has me saying goodbye to all of my Uncles, Aunts and Parents again. As it turned out, my Uncle was the last one standing and he was the Patriarch of our large extended Romaniote family….all of his nephews and nieces were children of his wife’s siblings so acknowledging that he is gone is an acknowledgement of the end of an era for my family. This feeling of loss is Unfamiliar, it is Uncomfortable and Upsetting. I believe myself to be well equipped to handle grief as I have lived with Complicated Grief and I have found ways to move through it, to embrace my losses and feel gratitude for all that I have. I am practicing gratitude and believe me when I say that I am eternally grateful in my heart……but at this moment I just feel loss and lost the likes of which I have never experienced before…feelings that are entirely and utterly Unfamiliar.

Planning on getting out the toolbox I have to deal with this Unfamiliar Grief, in the meanwhile I am just feeling my feelings and allowing this profound loss for me and my family to resonate in my heart and soul…to take up the space I need to process this profound landmark in my life and the lives of my siblings and cousins.

As always with so much love,

Stephanie